“Domestic Abuse Is Not Just Physical…It Is Also Mental And Psychological ” – Stella Damasus’Tells Personal Story

“Domestic Abuse Is Not Just Physical…It Is Also Mental And Psychological ” – Stella Damasus’Tells Personal Story

Recently, motion picture star Stella Damasus shared an understanding into the manhandle she endured

, extraordinarily in 2009, on account of the man she was dating at the time.

She clarifies in a post on her site that abusive behavior at home doesn’t need to be physical. For her

situation, it was mental and mental and she says once in a while that can be worse.Read her story on

“Stripping Myself Naked” underneath.

I wrote a blog a while ago called DATING MY ABUSER, and was shocked at the number of women who sent emails

talkingabout the abuse they had faced. My heart was so heavy as I realized how bad thingshave gotten and how silent

we have been over the years. One woman’s email really touched my heart and that is why I decided to share another

experience.Stripping myself naked in front of the world is not an easy thing to do, but when my experience encourages,

heals and informs others, then it is the right thing to do.I remember one day in 2009, I had just signed a contract with a

new management company and they sent theirmarketing manager to take pictures of me so that they could build a

press kit and other materials for work.The man I was dating at the time was in my house for a visit, and we were both

in the living room when the marketing manager came in. As he entered we exchanged pleasantries and I introduced

him to my boyfriend who gave him the most arrogant and disgusting look ever. The marketing manager brought out

his hand to shake him but my boyfriend walked away and didn’t even acknowledgehis presence.I apologized to the guy

who was really shocked as he was sure they had never met. He was so confused and had to ask me if he did something

wrong. I was highly embarrassed but had to quickly change the subject as usual.I say as usual because it was becoming

a trend with my boyfriend.I knew how arrogant my boyfriend could be but I didn’t think it would be that bad.Anyway, I

went upstairs to meet the glam squad in my dressing room so they could do their magic. When I was done, I got

dressed and foolishly went to my boyfriend in the other room so he could see how beautiful I looked and maybe get a

compliment. Instead, he looked at me and started calling me all sorts of names. Icannot even begin to mention the

names Iwas called.Now, you may read this and wonder why he would call me names without provocation. That is how

the mind of an abuser works. They don’t need provocation to abuse you. They just want to show and boost their power

over you.To those who have never experienced emotional and mental abuse, this is absurd.At this point, I was used to

hearing those names but for some reason, I still could not end the relationship. On different occasions, I had tried to

end it but I was not psychologically strong enough.This sounds strange coming from someone like me who is bold and

fearless right? It may shock you to know that whenmen like that come into your life, they study your strengths and

weaknesses. Then they begin to attack your weaknesses and make you even more vulnerable. The next thing they do is

to systematically isolate you from those whoare supposed to be your support system. At that time you will not even

notice what he is doing because you will begin to think he cares for you more than anyone else.He had already messed

with my mind. I felt helpless and small.I had the courage to ask him what I had done wrong and you would not believe

theanswer I got.He said “you guys think I am stupid, why would you ask them to send a guy who looks like that to you.

Don’t they have women who work for them?”.I told him I had no control over who they send or who they employ.He

responded by saying, “it’s your house so if you have any respect for me you would have made sure it was not a guy who

speaks with a nice accent, dresses well and is cute; coming to your house. What if I was not here? You were already

smiling like a fool even though I was right there.What would have happened if I was not here?At that point, I knew that

there was nothing more to say.As I made to leave he grabbed my arm and forced me to sit down. The insults came

rushing through my ears as I sat and cried.I messed up everything the glam squad had done.To avoid embarrassment

and gossip I went to the guest room and asked the children’s nanny to let the glam squad go.They were paid and they

left.I went back and tried to fix what was left ofmy make up, went downstairs to do the photoshoot and as soon as I was

done, I made the marketing manager and his team leave.When I went back upstairs, my boyfriend was waiting to

continue the insults. At this point, I knew I had to be strong. So, I told him that if he felt he was too good for me, he

get the HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE.He didn’t believe how serious I was until I started yelling.He threatened to hit me and

I told him he would spend the rest of his life in Jail and I would spend all my money making sure he was tortured every

day.He looked me in the eye and saw how serious I was. That was when he knelt down and started begging.He

apologized and said he didn’t know what came over him and that he needed help. I looked away but he continued and

told me how everyone else had given up on trying to help him.Blah blah blah blah he continued.You would think that

after all this I would end it once and for all but unfortunately, I took him back.Before you start passing judgment,

remember that when your weakness is attacked and your support system is not there anymore, you feel alone and

helpless. It’s not a choice you willingly make, it is as a result of the psychological abuse. There are very very few women

who go through this and come out sane.Imagine being with someone who constantly makes you feel less than you are.

Who puts all the negative stuff in yourface and starts to make you look at yourself differently. After a while, you begin

to believe his lies and doubt your truth.That was when I realized that domestic abuse is not just physical. It is also

mental and psychological which are worse sometimes. With the physical you know where the bruises are and can treat

them. Unfortunately, with the mental, you become a slave to your own mind which iscontrolled by the abuser. He

makes it seem like it’s your fault and at the same time makes you feel he needs you.No one knows what you are going

throughbecause they don’t see the scars. Even when you tell them, they trivialize it because you can’t show proof. So

you suffer in silence and pain. When you discuss it with people who you believe can help, the first question they ask you

is“why don’t you just leave him?”.Friends and family who are not qualified psychologists and therapists are not

equipped to handle mental and psychological abuse.It took me a while to discover a few psychologists in Nigeria, but

they don’t get many clients because mental therapy is not an AFRICAN thing.WRONG!We need it now more than ever

before.A lot of women go through this every day and even when they come out of the relationship, they don’t see the need to goto counseling or therapy that can help them heal. So, they end up dating the same kind of man because that

is what their mental state recognizes.They fall for men who would control them again not because they are stupid but

because that is what their minds are familiar with.16 Days in a year is not enough to advocate for domestic

violence.We need to do this all year round and record the progress we are making.We need to let women especially the

African woman know what her rights are and that she has a right to report cases like this.She needs to know that she

has a supportsystem who will help her through the pain and hurt she is left with.We need to make sure that the law is

enforced on the abusers.We need to educate women and let them know that a man has NO right to hit them just

because he is their husband.We need to help the women educate their daughters as well.We need to reach out to the

community leaders and make them see why they should help put an end to this.SAY NO TO DOMESTIC VIOLENCE.

Lend your voices and support the organizationswho fight for the cause.